Silence Of The Robocop. A Chuck Wendig Challenge.

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2015/04/24/flash-fiction-challenge-its-x-meets-y-again

I used a random generator for the X and Y choices and came up with Robocop and Silence of the Lambs. Here ’tis.

***

“Stop being a bastard. You have fifteen seconds to comply,” said Robocop, his Auto9 Beretta93R at the ready.

“Tell me about the lambs, Clarice,” Hannibal replied smoothly.

Robocop grimaced at that, his interface screens flickering and juddering wildly.

I told you not to call me that!” he said. “You have five seconds to comply.”

Hannibal smirked. “Well, Clarice, it’d be a lot easier if you weren’t wearing that fetching pink tutu and the drop earrings.” Hannibal sniffed the air as if savouring the delicious waft of pan-fried liver with fava beans, accompanied by a nice chianti, and making slurping sounds at the thought of it.

Robocop opened fire, and Hannibal’s body danced an involuntary jig as a massive spray of bullets hit him. “Tsk! Now look what you’ve done!” Hannibal said, smiling through bloodied teeth.

“Fifty rounds of 9x19mm Parabellum Flechette will do that to you,” Robocop smirked.

“You’ve ruined my shirt,” Hannibal replied. “I should eat your face for that.”

Cut!” came the call from Kevin Smith. Better known as ‘Silent Bob’ from the Askewniverse franchises, he stubbed his cigarette out on Jason ‘Jay’ Mewes’ testicles. “Jesus, what a mess this is turning into!” Smith said under his breath.

“I told you Affleck would make a shit Robocop,” said Mewes. “He was complete shit in Daredevil, too, but would you listen? No-o-oh!

Smith grimaced and said: “And what do you bring to the discussion? “Pussy, man!” That’s all you’ve got.”

Robocop had walked off set and directly into the fourth wall. As he bumped the camera he yelled: “Hey! That really hurt!” Matt Damon, wearing a ridiculous wig that made him look more like Jay Leno than Hannibal, snickered. Affleck pulled out his Auto9, his interface targeting system locked on Damon, and he unloaded a clip right into Damon’s balls. Damon smirked: “Ha, ha! Missed both my legs!”

“I’m going to download 10 pounds of information from my neck top computer,” said Affleck, heading for the bathroom. Great. The janitors would have a hell of a time trying to clear the air of the smell of pre-digested baby food, axle grease and fried wiring. A huge fart was followed by the sounds of cogs and gears hitting the water in the toilet bowl.

Damon, a character actor of repute, was busy skinning a once very handsome security guard. “Latest fashion,” he said as he donned the man’s face. “So, who’s playing Clarice?” he mumbled through the guard’s lifeless lips.

“Alanis Morissette,” said Smith.

Alanis?” said Damon. “Why her?”

Kevin smiled. “Process of elimination, really. Clarice is self-righteous. Alanis played God. You can’t get much more righteous than that. I wanted Shannon Elizabeth but after that whole Jay humping her thing she was so disappointed I didn’t think she’d back up for another shot. And Linda Fiorentino is just too edible. I’d eat the peanuts of out her … ahem. Well, Alanis it is, then.”

“Okay, listen up, everyone! Let’s make a movie!”

***

End Notes:

What do you do when a random generator gives you Robocop and Silence of the Lambs? The above, it appears.

Movie references for the uninitiated are:

Robocop II.

Silence of the Lambs.

Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back.

Daredevil.

Dogma.

The fourth wall is movie set talk for ‘the camera’.

Weapon references are from technical notes in the Robocop franchise.

Shannon Elizabeth is gorgeous, but Linda Fiorentino is awesome. If she ever googles herself she might find reference to herself here, fall in love with me, and my life will then be complete. Because that could happen. I’m still gagging on Alanis’ Jagged Little Pill. Perhaps it shows.

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2 thoughts on “Silence Of The Robocop. A Chuck Wendig Challenge.

  1. Honest to god, PD, you really ARE demented! I can’t even THINK like this, much less write like it! And yeah, Affleck would make a shit Robocop. Who casts these damn movies, anyway?

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